Funny Quotes


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When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. I’m very sorry, We did everything we could.. But he pulled through…

Rodney Dangerfield

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Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead…

Bill McGlashen

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing…

Emo Philips

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Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge…

Author Unknown

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Your environment will eat your goals and plans for breakfast…

Steve Pavlina

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I’m so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I’m saying…

Oscar Wilde

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I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s good as they’re going to feel all day…

Frank Sinatra

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is…

Ellen DeGeneres

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Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat…

Jim Davis

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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button…

Sam Levenson

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If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments…

Earl Wilson

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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff…

George Carlin

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It is the duty of the Patriot to protect his country from its government…

Thomas Paine

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The broccoli says: I look like a small tree , the mushroom says: I look like an umbrella, the walnut says: I look like a brain, and the banana says: Can We Please Change The Subject?…

Author Unknown

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Beauty isn’t worth thinking about; what’s important is your mind. You don’t want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head…

Garrison Keillor

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Skinny jeans are like calories. Easy to put on but impossible to take off…

Author Unknown

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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and, whatever you hit, call it the target…

Ashleigh Brilliant

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If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days…

Robin Williams

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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.. Forget about the present, because I didn’t get you one!!…

Author Unknown

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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it…

Franklin P. Jones

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A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch…

Author Unknown

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Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love…

Albert Einstein

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Love is grand, Divorce is a hundred grand…

Author Unknown

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research…

Wilson Mizner

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The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets…

Al McGuire

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I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug…

Author Unknown

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Yes Madam I am drunk but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly…

Winston Churchill

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The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket…

Will Rogers

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Money can’t buy happiness. It can, however rent it…

Author Unknown

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back…

Oscar Wilde

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire…

Author Unknown

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?…

Author Unknown

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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt…

Abraham Lincoln

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The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax…

Albert Einstein

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If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything…

Marilyn Monroe

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To be old & wise, you must first have to be young & stupid…

Author Unknown

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